| Thursday, October 17th, 2002 |
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if not for inflated expectations im doing all right...i really am. I am happy enough, lazy very lazy but still happy enough and with the exception of good potential for a low grade in Gcom and the inevitable failing of Math, i'm also not doing totally awful in all my classes. as long as i dont judge how empty my life in comparison to everyone else's then i am good. Seems mike didnt forget about me and he found me a ride home this weekend and as there won't be many ppl here this weekend it was looking to be a long period of sleep, tv, not shaving, showering or putting on clothes...which is 3 weekends a month anyway normally...but i was thinking maybe i'd read my book with 3 days of no human contact... but i now have a ride and i am happy to be going home.. we are leaving around 8pm on thurs night so i guess we'll get home around 2am and then i'll be home till sunday probly about noonish.... i really do like this place alot now, i dont know what my problem was, i mean i still would like friends like at home but whatever i never really have had to work for anything, good things with time and i'm a very lucky person in general... today gcom was cancelled and i met with my gcom group for our 2nd meeting for our project.. we played pool and checked our mail and went to the bookstore... it was pouring and cold and i was feeling sick and i really didnt want to learn first aid outside in a field for 2 hrs so i took a nap until 7pm then watched DBZ, some adult swim i had taped, Reservoir Dogs a great movie, and Duck Soup i forgot how much i love the Marx Bros... my nose is still giving me an attitude and now my right lower leg and foot spasm every few minutes, it starts in the calf and feels like an electric shock moving down to my foot and it shakes my whole foot and kinda hurts and kinda feels really good... if i can get to 80% of healthy anytime soon i think i'm gonna start lifting, i suddenly don't care that i don't know how and will probly be embarassed, i have been told i have a good body for lifting, meaning i am skinny and the only way to go is up, so instead of just eating protein and doing pushups and jumping rope, i'm actually start a routine and if i actually have something good why waste it,damn but by that mentality i shouldnt be putting holes in my brain and letting it sit unused and rot, fuck you know forget it, i'm probly not gonna do anything, i'm gonna go with sitting and sleeping i've got that down and its easy..damn it im just rambling and this post sucks but i dont feel like erasing it i started so much happier than usual saying things werent so bad and now im pissed, im gonna listen to some more system and go out for a smoke fuck me and die u miserable loser piece of shit arghhh but its not that bad im just dumb and this is annoying any reader more than its annoying me and im fucking pissed off, but i do find much joy in my new hobby but my computer is freezin and fuckkkkkkkkkkk arggggbgv rooooaaaarrrrr!!!!! |
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i apologize for the last post, i went outside and did some good thinking about how i think to hard when i'm with ppl here and i dont want to do or say anything that is not being myself, i just wanna be myself but i forget what thats like..i am so braindead i can't remember how i met ppl or how i became friends with anyone, i can remember that i met most ppl with matt or through matt, so i never had to do anything, good things just happened, i was myself and i was funny and crazy...but most of my friendships, i can't remember how they started or how i would act that somehow didn't drive ppl away...i am a bit awkward when i talk to ppl here and i beet i come off as kinda fake or boring and thats not me but i won't relax...i classes i am fine but when i get back to my dorm i say hello to ppl and get nervous, i think i come off as just talking to end the conversation to i can back to my room, like i walk past ppl when i come from or go to the dining hall or classes and i usually am hungry or tired so sometimes i wanna go back to my room but other times i dont but i dont have much to say, but i think i've always been quiet with ppl i dont know, but how do i go from being quiet to being friends with them, thats the part of the equation that i am just drawing a blank on...did i meet alot of ppl through classes, and then i'd see them out when i was doing something crazy or at a party, or did i just meet everyone through matt? this is another pattern, i went to a new grade school in 3rd grade and i was a nerd, glasses, good grades and i was very quiet, i would have witty remarks in class but i whisper them to ppl around me like wachtler and he had a way with the teachers so he'd say my stuff out loud and get a laugh. i decided in 4th grade not to be a nerd anymore and i shocked my mom and told her i wanted to change and she was all for it. i changed my image, got in trouble with teachers and became known as funny and crazy, on a side note i started my alcholism in 5th grade as well by 8th grade i was friends with everyone. then i went to highschool where i knew a few ppl and i stayed in alot but i was happy with that i enjoy my family and could always occupy myself, i just figured i was the kind of person who didn't always need to be active and moving around, but slowly through highschool gradually and in large part thanks to matt i got out more and more and met more and more ppl until senior year when i always had to be doing something and but i had a great group of friends that somehow magically appeared and it wasn't any effort to do anything even if it was just hanging out at my house or in Famous Footwear parking lot... i don't know where the transition happened i suppose just through time and no doubt this is just the cycle repeating, i know some ppl but i stay in alot and eventually it will all fall in place just in time to leave it all behind again, but this time i dont have a matt, maybe another catalyst will appear but if it doesnt, does that mean the cycle falls apart and i stay this way? Do i finally need to grow up and do it on my own, i mean i had a lot to do with my metamorphosis, i became myself and opened up more and was active but i don't remember the details so i don't know how much i did or what it was... anyway i'm still trying to figure out my life but i'm optimistic and happy in general, now if i could just drop math i'd be doing great.. also i got my technique down for riding the rail and i'm the man! |
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cheerful.