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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
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took 13.5 hrs but i read 400 pages in one night, many breaks and distractions and changes of scenery and positions, now i have til 3 to write a 5 page paper. I went to the coffee bar after i finished the book and said that i knew nothing about coffee but i needed something with a lot of caffiene and the asian woman behind the counter didnt know much english but she said something like "lot o caffiene, o yes ,cappucino, u see how much, four shot, so much..."
i lost BIG DIPPER and it breaks my heart, that pencil was not only a great utencil but a good conversation starter as well cuz it was so big and i looked like a second grader but i dropped it in the college center one of the many places i read last nite and i went back and the building was locked but i looked in the window and i saw it on the chair and i was at the door at 730 when they unlocked it and i immediately went to the chair where a cleaning lady was wiping down the chairs and coffee table and i asked her if she had seen a big red pencil and she claimed she hadnt and i doubted her. i told her i came by last nite and saw that i left it on the chair clear as day and i asked a few times cuz if she was cleaning the chairs i didnt think the night janitor would have done so earlier. and then i doubt he would have taken the pencil, she probly just wanted the damn thing for herself, and i checked her cart cuz she had a jar with pencils and pens in it that she probably found and it wasnt in there, so i think its dead and out of my life forever
I'm looking into digital video cameras, i'm gonna need a job or to get my ebay selling going hardcore, but i really really want to get one of those 1400 dollar professional ones and i saw an interview with dennis leary on the daily show or conan awhile back and he said if you wanna make movies tell ur parents to give u the money they were gonna spend on film school and use it to finance an independent film, all you need is a good film or project and that can do more than any education without the right breaks can. Since college life is obviously not my thing and this weekend with my parents stirred a lot of emotions and thoughts as to my future, i keep thinking how i am going to regret selling out the only dream i really have to make a movie or to be involved in the production a movie. i disgarded that future because it wasnt a sure thing and i'd easily become the struggling filmmaker who'd never make it, and i'm really not the kind of person who could make my future happen, i'd have to work on learning to smooze people and talk my way through life, unless i could just sit back and be in the right place at the right time and let luck unfold my big break. and i'm always just lucky enough for that to happen but you can't count on things always just working out.
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LIES, NONSENSE, FRIVOLOUS INEDEQUATES, LOW SELF ESTEEM
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Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.
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i finished my paper with half an hour to spare, it wasn't perfection but it was quite good, i had trouble keeping under the 5 page maximum and had to cut out some flowing sentences and supporting quotes...i was walking to class and i was so tired and strung out on capuccino and adderall, that i would stare into space and mumble under my breath without knowing, i'd mumble and then halfway through the phrase or sentence i'd realize i was speaking, i had no clue, how i started without noticing...the things i was saying too, were insane, about people i never met and sometimes including jibberish words or talking in a vanacular from another time or something...anyway i kept doing it every few minutes and ppl kept staring at me, i must have had a confused or pained look on my face as i mumbled to myself.
when i stopped mumbling i saw a kid from my history class that i'd never talked to and i went up to him and talked about class and the paper as we walked to class, and turns out GET THIS, that the paper wasn't due today, last thursday Hyser pushed it back, at least its done.
I walked with another kid that i'd never met on the way to business and talked to him, and then in business i had a lot of fun talking to Marydan and felt really comfortable. then i walked home and noticed the mumbling again, damn my wretched soul, i'm going insane.
also last nite during a reading break, i shaved myself a goatee, a real one, with mustache and chin and connecting lines on each side of my lips, its coming in very nicely and im quite proud its full and perfect after like 4 days
other than the paper fiasco, my mumbling insanity, and the acceptance of the gut wrenching loss of Big Dipper the only other reason why today wasn't a perfect was my pants...i have been wearing my belt undone and open like i used to at home and i must have gotten thinner or leaner cuz my pants woudnt stay up so walking up hill home from classes i was forced to concede and buckle my belt..no biggie but it was a moral defeat to pants and why should they win, fuck those stupid fuckers...
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